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[11 Feb 2003|01:56am]
[ mood | restless ]

ahhh...another month has passed. where does the time go? school's started, classes are rough this semester, i've got 17 credits. i've been doing a lot of thinking recently, about my life. i have come to the conclusion that i am constantly in a state of anticipation. i'm always waiting for the next thing, like what's happening right now doesn't matter. right now i'm in anticipation of my life changing in drastic ways. the problem is, that i envision all of these changes, but i do nothing to promote them. i've never been in a situation like this, i've always done what's made me happy. in fact, you might say that up until recently, i was somewhat of a hedonist.
i need to be on my own. it's unfortunate, but i feel that being in a relationship right now is keeping me from doing things that i need to do for myself. what's more unfortunate is that this relationship has been going on for almost 4 years, and there's nothing really terribly *wrong* with it....i just don't feel the same anymore. it's so comfortable, and there are so many little things that seem like really big things that are holding me back. i think it comes down to the fact that i'm just scared, which is something else i'm not really familiar with....i'm not accustomed to being scared of my decisions....
i have an 8am class...

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[05 Jan 2003|11:46pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

So it's been quite a while since I've written anything...what with the holidays and all, I've been quite busy. Christmas and Thanksgiving were both very good, but I'm sort of glad it's all over with. New Years my boyfriend was bartending, so I hung out with him until about 2am, then met up with some friends from work at a local dive bar and got shitty. I don't think I got home until about 6am. I had my own personal bottle of champagne at the bar....I was drinking straight out of the bottle, too...how uncouth ;)
Tomorrow I start a mini-mester/internship-type thing at a psychiatric institution. It should be interesting, but since it's only three weeks long, I get the feeling it's going to be an excruciating amount of work. I'm seriously not ready to go back to school yet. If I had decided not to do this, I would have off until around the 27th of January. Bah. I have to keep telling myself that in the long run it will be worth it...good work experience.
Things are very strange recently. My dearest friend has been experiencing all of these quite scary symptoms over the last few months, but has refused to go to the doctor. She's finally going tomorrow, and I'm very worried for her. All of the signs point to bad things, and my stomach has been in knots all day about it. I just hope she goes and they run tests and find nothing and tell her it's just stress or something....
I think i need to go dancing...get rid of some stress...tomorrow, provided I'm not too drained from my first day at the hospital, I plan on going to the gym and working out. I miss being diesel...and I resolve to be diesel once more....

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[09 Dec 2002|03:42pm]
[ mood | busy ]

So classes are over for this semester, and I took my first exam this morning. I have one more tonight, and then three more within the next two days. Woohoo!
A friend called me up last night and invited me to go to a Cruxshadows show at the Depot...it was only three dollars, so I figured what the hell, but I ended up staying home and studying all night because I'm a big dork. It probably would have been a good time, because he's a friend that I rarely get to see anymore...but I was just too stressed.
I watched this show last night about the gadgets and such from all of the James Bond movies, and there was this tiny little plane that looked like a toy, but it was actually all fast and kickass...Anyway, I dreamt that I was flying the James Bond plane, it was great fun. I want a James Bond plane. Meow.

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[29 Nov 2002|01:13am]
[ mood | awake ]

I've decided that after today, I'm not going to be able to eat for like three days. Thanksgiving food is the best. If you made Thanksgiving dinner on any other day, I'm not sure it would taste quite as good or be quite as appealing, at least for me. I think I need to stop drinking so much. Last night I stood up on a bar stool and accidentally knocked out one of the ceiling tiles while I was throwing my arms around attempting to be dramatic. I suppose it could have been an embarassing situation, but I make no apologies.

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[18 Nov 2002|02:31am]
[ mood | drained ]

Went out last night with a bunch of people from work. As a result, I was still suffering from a hangover at 4pm this afternoon. Now, about 24 hours later, I'm still feeling the effects somewhat. I did way too many shots, and drank way too many Stoli and tonics. After the bar closed, one of my co-workers and I decided it would be a grand idea to take a walk in the rain to the 24-hour diner that we *thought* was very close by. I don't know if it was actually a much longer distance than either of us thought, or we were just intoxicated to the point where 10 minutes of walking seemed like an hour. In any event, I don't know how it happened, but I managed to fall along the way, and since it had been raining all day, I was pretty soaked. When we got to the diner, we ordered drinks, and then I proceeded to lock myself in the bathroom for about 15 minutes so that I could um....get rid of some of those shots I took earlier. Other than getting sick, it was a pretty interesting night. Someone showed up that I hadn't expected to show up, and it really threw me off guard. I think that's part of the reason why I ended up drinking so much. There's a certain type of male, that I just can't seem to figure out. This particular someone is one of those types of males. They're so cocky and arrogant, and they're convinced they can get any girl they want. So if they show an interest in any way, you want to set out to prove that you don't want them. But at the same time, there's this insane attraction to them that you just can't avoid. I know they exist, I've encountered quite a few of them. I'm going to bed.

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[11 Nov 2002|11:29pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

damn i love this song....makes me wanna have all types of crazy sex. in fact, this song may *be* sex. i need a new job. i applied to this wine shoppe, and i went for two interviews. the second one was with the owner, who also owns two very nice restaurants in baltimore....he was a bit intimidating, but i thought it went well. who knows...i need to be making mucho dinero right now, and it's just not happening.
sometimes i wish i was single...it's been so long...i start to think i'm missing out on things sometimes, but i'm too grateful for what i have to give it up. so many temptations, though. argh.

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pancakes [03 Nov 2002|02:36pm]
[ mood | full ]

mmm...i made myself banana pancakes for breakfast. i'm stuck at home doing schoolwork all day. i just finished putting together my schedule for spring semester, and i'm trying to figure out how i'm going to take a 32 hour per week class during the month of january and still be able to support myself monetarily. i just don't see it happening, unless i decide to resort to illegal measures. grr. i'm selective about the laws i break. i'll only break it if i think it will be fun.
halloween was alright. i worked, then went downtown to fells point and watched all of the drunken fools (not to say that occasionally i'm not one of them, but it's much funnier when they're in silly costumes). i didn't really have any money for a costume, so i just took an old slip and wrote the word "Freudian" on it and wore that. yeah, it was cheesy and stupid, but i'm a dorky psychology major, and i found it amusing. very few people understood, which in a way was sort of funny, but in a way it was quite depressing.
i get to go to mom's house for dinner this evening, that's always exciting. no matter how good the food i make for myself is, there's something special about a meal prepared by mom that you just can't beat. yeah.
i'm procrastinating. i should be studying for a psych exam i have tomorrow. i bought the new tori amos cd. i thought i was going to be disappointed by it, but i thoroughly enjoy it. it's growing on me each time i listen to it, too. i'm going to go see her at the patriot center in va next tuesday. no show will ever comapre to the show i saw her play at the 9:30 club a few years back. it was absolutely breathtaking. she makes me cry, but it's good...

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don't ask me to rise [28 Oct 2002|12:33am]
[ mood | moody ]

I never imagined that life could get so complicated so quickly. Nothing in my life seems right at this point. I want everything to be different, because I'm so apathetic right now. But I'm so apathetic that I don't have the gumption to make any changes. I'd rather be miserable and depressed than be apathetic. This is a great way to start off my journal...whiny and apathetic.
At least I had a chance to go out and have some fun this weekend. Saturday night I worked a double so I could make some extra cash, and suprisingly, after 12 hours of work I was ready to go out and have some fun. I met up at Brewer's Art with some friends,we were hoping they would honor daylight savings and stay open an extra hour, but alas, our hopes were crushed by the big scary bouncer in the sweatpants and tight yellow shirt. So after the bar closed, we ended up going to some party in Hampden. I felt like an alien. I didn't feel quirky or stoned enough to belong. I need to go watch some videos for a psych class I missed. I must take notes on these videos, so it's imperative that I do this now before I get too sleepy.

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The farther you go the less you know... [24 Oct 2002|12:25am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

So...this is my first entry. Maybe it's not the best time to add my first entry, because I've been up since 5am, and my brain isn't quite working properly. Everything's all fuzzy, and my bed is sounding so enticing right now. Featherbed, down comforter, down pillows...mmmmm.
I'm not quite sure what the purpose for creating this journal is. I tend to forget about my journals that I write from time to time, and since I'm on the computer so often, I thought it may be easier. It seems like it's going to end up being much more work, though. I need to fiure shit out, like how to make my journal look the way I want it to look. I guess that would mean I need to get a paid account. I'll do it eventually...though I should probably consider paying my rent first...

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